The weight of the world is a very heavy burden to carry. I have carried it for most of my life. Due to addiction with my mother I carried that burden very early on. I became the mother, the protector, the nurturer and the support my family needed. I helped care for my siblings in any way I possibly could. I can remember when people thought Norah, my youngest sister, was my daughter because I carried her around everywhere. I held strong for so long until I couldn't anymore and fell into addiction myself at 19. I started partying very hard with drugs and alcohol. Everyday became the same routine for me. I would go to work as scheduled but come Wednesday night through Sunday night it was a lot of drinking. I'd wake up hung over take some pills go to work then time to go party hard and drive home. Many times I never remembered most of the night let alone how I could of even drove home so recklessly yet I still continued to do it. The next day I would get up and do it all over again. I had many one night stands with many men whos name I didn't know. I did that for years until I fell into a very abusive relationship that scared me enough to run back home to mom and dads house. I wasn't home long before I realized things were still the same as when I was growing up. Mom and dad fighting all the time while mom was drowning her thoughts with alcohol to cope. The house was complete chaos and that chaos again pushed me away right into the arms of a strip club filled with more drugs than I knew what to do with. I hated life, I hated myself yet the money was great. Drugs and alcohol once again got me through every night. I settled back into that life style getting drugs from the scariest people and places. The revolving door of men and woman groping me touching me and gawking at me was disgusting but my need for money and drugs was even more disgusting. I no longer had control of my life and I lost myself years ago. I was no longer important, I was a full blown addict and nothing mattered anymore.
We all struggle, we're human but not one human is better than the next. Nobody is perfect in the world. We all make mistakes and are imperfect. My biggest mistake was allowing my addiction to take over and have my kids taken from me. My actions caused me to loose the most important people to me in the world. I live with that regret daily. I miss hearing their cries and laughter in our home. It's painful knowing I caused this to happen. I went to detox got sober and have 149 days clean yet it's not enough. I try everyday to do better and be better yet it's not enough. The burden I carry of disappointment to them and within myself is unbearable. When does life or people give you a second chance. I deserve a second chance because I know God deals out chance after chance forgiving his children. We all deserve that. I am living proof people can get sober and change for the better yet again it's never enough. When will I be seen for who I am NOW and not for who I was THE...
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