Skip to main content

In his eyes

 From the moment their born we look into their eyes. We see joy, happiness, sparkle, shine and innocence. As they grow those eyes start to change the way they look at you back. Those eyes will will look at you with disappointment, anger, hate, embarrassment and even shame. As a mother I have seen it many times though my son's eyes. As my addiction got worse the more he changed the way he saw me. Those once excited, bright joyful eyes slowly started to see disappointment, shame and embarrassment. I will never forget the day the judge ordered an out of home placement. I was filled with so much shame and guilt. My son's eyes were filled with tears and so much disappointment. As a mom seeing your child's eyes staring back at you with disappointment is beyond heart breaking. On our weekly visits driving up to see him I saw joy happiness excitement but once it was time to leave those beautiful eyes once again filled with sadness worry and disappointment. It hurt more than I could bare. The day I told my son I was leaving for two months was the hardest thing I've ever done. I am now out of rehab 101 days sober and happy. Coming home to see his face was the greatest feeling. I will never have to disappointment shame anger hate or embarrassment in those big brown eyes again. His momma is back happy and healthier than ever and I will fill those once hurt eyes with pride trust happiness acceptance and all the love I can give. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beginning of a Struggle

 The weight of the world is a very heavy burden to carry. I have carried it for most of my life. Due to addiction with my mother I carried that burden very early on. I became the mother, the protector, the nurturer and the support my family needed. I helped care for my siblings in any way I possibly could. I can remember when people thought Norah,  my youngest sister, was my daughter because I carried her around everywhere. I held strong for so long until I couldn't anymore and fell into addiction myself at 19. I started partying very hard with drugs and alcohol. Everyday became the same routine for me. I would go to work as scheduled but come Wednesday night through Sunday night it was a lot of drinking. I'd wake up hung over take some pills go to work then time to go party hard and drive home. Many times I never remembered most of the night let alone how I could of even drove home so recklessly yet I still continued to do it. The next day I would get up and do it all over ag...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Struggle

 We all struggle, we're human but not one human is better than the next. Nobody is perfect in the world. We all make mistakes and are imperfect. My biggest mistake was allowing my addiction to take over and have my kids taken from me. My actions caused me to loose the most important people to me in the world. I live with that regret daily. I miss hearing their cries and laughter in our home. It's painful knowing I caused this to happen. I went to detox got sober and have 149 days clean yet it's not enough. I try everyday to do better and be better yet it's not enough. The burden I carry of disappointment to them and within myself is unbearable. When does life or people give you a second chance. I deserve a second chance because I know God deals out chance after chance forgiving his children. We all deserve that. I am living proof people can get sober and change for the better yet again it's never enough. When will I be seen for who I am NOW and not for who I was THE...
Post a Comment
Read more