All Around Toxic

 From the moment their born we look into their eyes. We see joy, happiness, sparkle, shine and innocence. As they grow those eyes start to change the way they look at you back. Those eyes will will look at you with disappointment, anger, hate, embarrassment and even shame. As a mother I have seen it many times though my son's eyes. As my addiction got worse the more he changed the way he saw me. Those once excited, bright joyful eyes slowly started to see disappointment, shame and embarrassment. I will never forget the day the judge ordered an out of home placement. I was filled with so much shame and guilt. My son's eyes were filled with tears and so much disappointment. As a mom seeing your child's eyes staring back at you with disappointment is beyond heart breaking. On our weekly visits driving up to see him I saw joy happiness excitement but once it was time to leave those beautiful eyes once again filled with sadness worry and disappointment. It hurt more than I could...

My whole life has been filled with many empty promises, hate, anger, rage and most of all complete emptiness. I began filling that with the one thing I knew would make me feel good, even if it was temporary, men. I dated a guy I had no interest in but he was an upper classman and lost my virginity to him my freshman year homecoming night. We didn't last long after that and so I focused on school and sports just as I always had before. My sophomore year I became friends with popular girls and upper class girls. Now when your popular what comes next BOYS!!!! One night during the week we had a volleyball game and here walks in this beyond sexy guy and instantly locked eyes. I was smitten from that moment I knew I had to have that bad boy for myself. To my surprise the feeling was mutual and we both pursued one another and started dating. Shortly after we started dating I was introduced to weed which I knew he smoked already. He eventually talked me into trying it and after that first ...

 The weight of the world is a very heavy burden to carry. I have carried it for most of my life. Due to addiction with my mother I carried that burden very early on. I became the mother, the protector, the nurturer and the support my family needed. I helped care for my siblings in any way I possibly could. I can remember when people thought Norah,  my youngest sister, was my daughter because I carried her around everywhere. I held strong for so long until I couldn't anymore and fell into addiction myself at 19. I started partying very hard with drugs and alcohol. Everyday became the same routine for me. I would go to work as scheduled but come Wednesday night through Sunday night it was a lot of drinking. I'd wake up hung over take some pills go to work then time to go party hard and drive home. Many times I never remembered most of the night let alone how I could of even drove home so recklessly yet I still continued to do it. The next day I would get up and do it all over ag...

 From the moment we are born all these expectations for our life begin to form. We are taught everything good along with all the bad of this world we call home. As we begin to form into teens and young adults we have the choice to choose the good or the bad, right or wrong. Which way did you choose? I chose a whole lot of both and continued that path for most of my life. It eventually became destructive and before I knew it I lost myself along the way. There was no difference between the good the bad the ugly anymore. It was all one in the same for me and I couldn't decifer the difference anymore. I've made many mistakes in my life so many of us do but don't loose yourself in those mistakes. It took me completely spiraling out and loosing faith in everyway to realize it was time to get me back. Remember you are always forgiven but most importantly you have to forgive yourself or you won't be able to heal, move on and get that faith back in all humanity. 

 As I sit here looking around all I see is judgment. Every person walking by whispering or looking my way doesn't see me. The real me. They see every wrong call I made every bad action I've taken and put me under a microscope of failure. I am not my failures. I am a real person whom tries every day to be a better person a better mom and all around a good human being. I want to be seen as a person who's overcome addiction who's gone through trauma and came out on the other side. I want my kids to be proud of me for all I've overcome and all my successes and accomplishments. I want them to know I never quit nor would I ever give up on them no matter what. This is a fight to be seen. This is a fight to grow from being seen as a failure to being seen as a human. This has become my life and my fight for now.

For most women growing up we dream of the day we get to be a mother. We dream of the day that pregnancy test says positive, we dream of that moment in time where all we hear is that strong heartbeat beating back saying, " Momma I'm here and your dreams have come true." In that exact moment we begin to cry, for some it's tears of sadness, happiness, excitement and relief. Every mother's struggle to get to that sound of a strong solid heartbeat is different. Some women have been trying for years either naturally or through IVF. Some women have had miscarriage after miscarriage before they got here. No matter her struggles before the moment of hearing her baby's heartbeat she knows she has succeeded and determined to do everything in her power to make sure that heartbeat continues on. As the pregnancy progresses past the first trimester onto the second and now on to the third little by little we begin to breathe easier and easier. As that due date approaches you ...